Brain Farts

A 20 Creme Egg Weekend

OMG I have just about recovered from what could possibly be one of the best weekends of my life. Yes I should probably be dead but Jebus it was fun. So, let me take you back to March 4th 2011…

I had lots of ideas for a title for this post which I have listed here to give you some insight into the contents.

  • 20 Creme Eggs Wont Kill You!
  • Think Vis / Drink Vis 2011
  • My Birthday Weekend. The Best in 20 Years.
  • What to do when your bosses try to kill you.

It begins!!!! The day started like any other. Fiona (my wife) dropped me off at Woodhouse Lane and I walked across town to work. At Epiphany Solutions we have a bit of a tradition of buying things to celebrate our birthdays. Most people do cake but as all of you should know, I am not most people. I went to Sainsbury’s and purchased 60 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs.

So I got to work and sent out a company wide email to offer everyone a Creme Egg on me. I then got on with my day which included a 4 hour client meeting. After returning to my desk I noticed there were still 20 Creme Eggs left so I sent out a follow up email letting people have seconds.

For a minute let us step back 2 years to my first ever meeting with Mr Robert Shaw (My MD). We talked shop etc. but eventually got on to the subject of Creme Eggs. I said something like “I reckon I could do 12 in 1 go” to which Rob replied something like “I did 14 once”. Since then Rob and I have often joked about a Creme Egg off.

So somebody had told Rob there were 20 eggs left and he came down with the aim of have a bit of a mini egg off. By the time he got to my desk we were down to 9 which we agreed wasn’t enough to break a sweat. Enter Shane Quigley. Shane is another of my Directors and a good friend (as is Rob). Shane likes to facilitate crazy things, he wont be offended that I have said that because frankly it is true 😛 Shane formalised our (Rob and my) little challenge and sent James Dawson (who was also interested in taking part) off to the shop for more Creme Eggs.

James returned with 40 more eggs but on the walk BOTTLED IT!!!!, so it was back down to Rob and I. So we set up a 20 on 20 challenge, untimed (more about endurance), watched by the whole company and filmed by 5 cameras (movie coming as soon as I get time to edit)

The next 20 minutes were rather odd to say the least. Initially Rob and I were going 1 for 1 but soon I noticed The Shaw was starting to slow. Rob went for the classic 2 bite approach used by many professional athletes. As time went on his initial bite was getting noticably smaller. I on the other hand went for the more out there smack em in whole approach. that way you cant slow.

By the time we got to 15 both Rob and I were feeling pretty crap. Someone had mentioned that so random guys on Youtube had done 16 so that was our first target. Rob shoots…… and fails. 15.5 for Rob Shaw. I on the other hand got a second wind and with the support and love of my colleagues…… BOOM!!!! 20 for me 🙂

I will be honest, I felt pretty good. Sure my vision was blurry, I was red hot and I never wanted to see a Creme Egg again but all in all pretty psyched.

The next memorable moment of my weekend was at 1.00am Saturday morning. No it’s not what you think. At 1.00am I awoke from a nightmare where I was being chased by Ninja (Ninja / Ninjas hmm). I was absolultey boiling hot, my heart rate was 105/minute and I felt rank. Fiona kicked me out of bed and I spend an hour sat in the dark downstairs trying to get my heart rate down. Eventually I returned to bed and entered some sort of random sugar induced coma.

It’s 6.30am and Noah is officially awake. I’m actually feeling pretty good, a bit headachy but pretty good so I go down and watch cartoons with him and let Fiona have a bit of a lie in (yes ladies I am that amazing). A bit later Fiona wakes up, we bathe, we get dressed etc. and she runs me over to Think Visibility 2011 at the Alea Casino in Leeds.

There I hook up with @andyheaps (My direct boss), @alwaysmikegomez, @stevenwalker, Emir and @pg_martin and we get learning.

So all throughout the day I was all over the place. 1 minute I was feeling dire (hollow, really sick, roasting and hungover) and the next I was top of my game (some of my funniest tweets to date). The conference was great. Absolutely the best I have been to. Pic-n-mix, rubber ducks, Dom in a gold jacket and a kick arse after party sponsored by Epiphany Solutions 

Right, now is the time to mention Andy Heaps was not, I repeat not, drinking and was leaving at 10.30pm for the last train. I (being an utter lightweight and feeling pretty volatile) was also leaving at that time and told my wife I would be home by 11pm, prior to my phone running out of battery. Remember this!

So the drinks start flowing… and flowing… The Poker, Roulette and Blackjack tables opened and the Epiphany boyz hit them hard. I was drunk and had never really played Blackjack so I made some corker noob mistakes. Apparently “twist” and “hit me” are not used in Blackjack. Also you get fuck all for a 5 card trick. Pontoon and Blackjack are not the same game!!!

Before long 10.30pm arrived and Andy declared he had booked a room at The Mint hotel and we are staying out. Mike Gomez had to leave, Stephen and Emir both bailed so Andy, Paul and I made our way to the after after party at the SkyBar. By now I am feeling pretty drunk but considering the amount of alcohol I had consumed it seems Creme Eggs have a positive effect on your alcohol theshhold. To be honest I don’t normally have any kind of alcohol theshhold. 1 drink and I am anyones.

So, more drinks courtesy of Mr Heaps and before we know it the Skybar is closing. After that (about 16 bottles, 6 sambocas and a couple of Jagers) it is all a bit of a blur. Honest 

Anyhow, I called it a night at 4.30am and got a taxi home after dancing with 2 random drunks in the street lol. I sneakily unlocked the front door to my home and crept through the kitchen into the living room. Bam!!! Fiona is sat on the sofa nearly in tears. My brain takes over. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. FIGHT. So before she can say a work I shout “Where the fuck have you been!”. In shock she bursts into tears and runs upstairs. I sleep on the sofa.

6.30am. Remembering of course that I got in at 5am and have been sleeping on the sofa. Noah wakes up and Fiona sends him down to jump on me. Yey, well no more sleep for me so we watch some cartoon. Eventually Fiona comes down with my birthday presents. Did I mention the 6th was my birthday? I got some awesome stuff including a £275 Lego Deathstar, loads of cool books, money and no crap.

My birthday was spent chillin, watching DVD’s and eating middle of the road food.

The morals of this story are;

  • Rob Shaw, Andy Heaps and Paul Martin are absolute legends
  • 20 Creme Eggs Will Not Kill You. Sure you will feel crap for nearly a week but you will live.
  • Epiphany Solutions, Dom Hodgeson, Think Visibility, Pete Young, Dixon Jones, Stephen Porehdjsb, Jason Duke, Shaun Hobo and loads of other people ROOOOCCKKK!!!!!!! 

Good night and god bless Xxx

I'm Malc and this is my outlet for all the crazy stuff that goes on in my head and life.

One Comment

  • Paul

    I’m glad this post has been resurrected! It’s one of my go-to anecdotes whenever your name pops up. I often block out me undressing Andy in his hotel room though… that’s best left forgotten!

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